Welcome to the Falls
by WennyCanWrite
Summary: Jonah Cole Murphy was in for a treat with Gravity Falls. First, two hot twins decided to befriend him. THEN, they uncover a network of conspiracies, all of which spirals down into a demon called Bill Cipher.
1. Chap 1: Welcome to the Falls

Chapter 1: This is WIERD

'Let's go to Oregon!' they said. 'It'll be FUN!' they said. Yeah. A giant gnome monster chasing you in the company GOLF CART is 'fun'. OH GREAT ANOTHER FLYING TREE. "Dude..." a passenger muttered. "Watch out!" I looked up, screamed, and swerved like crazy. Didn't quite work. BRACE-

O-kay, let's rewind. I am Jonah Cole Murphy, how ya doin', eldest son of David and Sarah Murphy. My father's crazy company moved us out here to sleepy little Gravity Falls, Oregon. As soon as unpacking was done, my parents shoved us kids out the door into the wild and said to 'have fun.' Probably so they could relieve some stress by doin' the do, as it were. I basically pointed my twin brothers in a direction, gave them 200 bucks, and said "Go nuts." And off they went. Leaving me to go job hunting, make some pocket money, ya know? ANYWAY, I saw a flyer on a lamppost advertising an unspecified position at some dingy place called the Mystery Shack. Seeing no other 'help wanted' signs, I shrugged and set off towards the Shack.

As I approached the Shack, I started to realise something. A kinda big, twin-related thing. See, I'm bisexual. And, just from the guy and girl on the front porch, it seems I would be very confused for most of this. I approached the guy, held up the flyer, and asked, "Hey, you guys still have an open position?" He looked up at me as if sizing me up. Silently, he pulled his twin's sleeve and gestured as if to say 'HELP WHAT DO'. She looked up, pulling out her earbuds, and I pointed at the flyer again. "OH! You're that new kid, right? She asked.

"HOW AND WHY."

She giggled. "News travels fast in a small town like Gravity Falls. Dipper, bring him inside."

"Aw what!" Dipper said, somewhat offensively. Huffing, he gestured for me to follow and went inside. Confused, I followed. And was completely taken aback by the sheer abundance of random shit this place held. Hats, bobbleheads of a bad Doctor Who cosplay, giant eyeballs (why), some snow globes...this place had it all. Curious, I picked up a hat with a white front and blue back, with a blue pine tree emblazoned on the front. "Ten bucks for the hat." Startled, I whipped around and came face-to-face with an old man. Regaining my composure, I replaced the hat and cleared my throat. "Hi. I'm here to apply for the unspecified position," I said, smiling. The old man simply burped in my face and handed me a contract. "Sign here."

"Wha-that's it?!"

"Yup," he said. "Don't need your qualifications." Surprised-in a good way-I signed AFTER carefully reading the contract. I handed it back to the man and was handed a broom. "You start in an hour. Enjoy your freedom." So I headed back outside and sat down.

"Jeez, that was, um…"

"Bizarre?" the girl offered. She was pretty in a dorky way. A slightly-too-big sweater and black skinny jeans on a lanky frame, long brown hair and brown eyes. My type. Great. "Yes. Thank ye, 'twas on the tip o' me tongue." I replied in a thick-and likely bad-Irish accent. She laughed regardless. The guy-Dipper?- came out and jammed the hat from earlier on my head. Unfazed, I looked up at him and asked, "What kinda name is 'Dipper'?" Grimacing, he muttered, "Long story. Kinda boring."

"LAY IT ON ME, BITCH!" I shouted, grinning. He turned to me, rather taken aback. The girl started dying from laughter. "Laugh it up, furball," he replied, frowning.

"Thank you for commenting on my hair, friend," I said. I was rather proud of my shoulder-length locks. Had been for a few months. "I am attempting the 'Jesus' look, as a friend called it."

"...what?"

1

"You know. Longish curly hair, thick beard? Come on! Even if you're atheist, you KNOW Jesus." I said, incredulous. The girl giggled at this, so I whipped around and joked, "I don't believe I've had the pleasure, madam?" She giggled a bit and said, "My name is Mabel Pines, and you are...?"

"Jonah Cole Murphy."

"...yeah, calling you Jones."

"Wait, why?" I replied, confused. Mabel shrugged, swinging her legs. "Why not?" she said, smiling. Christ, she's amazing.

"KIDS! NEWBIE!" the old man shouted as a redhead in lumberjack clothes climbed the nearby steps. "TIME TO START!"

"COMIIIIING!" Mabel shouted back, then grabbed her brother and headed in. I climbed up and headed in as well.

To be honest, the first few days were, well…

Uneventful. I typically worked the register while the redhead, Wendy, read her magazines. Dipper typically did sweeping and Mabel was...well, 'nuts' is a bit tame. She was full-on bonkers. This one time, for example, she attempted to trick some poor soul into agreeing to a date. And that's just what I'VE seen. Apparently she did WAY worse just out in the wild. AND THEN, ONE DAY…

"LOOK ALIVE, PEOPLE!" Stan-the old man- said. "I need someone to hang these up in the creepy part of the forest."

The twins shouted "NOT IT!" and were quickly followed by the heavyset handyman Soos. Wendy, being a lazy lumbersexual, didn't even look up. "Jones?" he asked.

"I'll do it…"

"YES!" Dipper shouted.

"IF Dipper volunteers as tribute."

"Aw, what?" he whined. "Dude, that part of the woods makes me feel watched."

"BY WHO, SLENDERMAN?!"

"Something is going on in this town. Look, my bug bites spell 'BEWARE'!" he said holding up my arm. Myself and Stan, at the same time, said, "That spells BEWARB." He sheepishly pulled down his hoodie sleeve.

"Fine. I volunteer as tribute…"

"Cool! The signs, please."

And now myself and Dipper were wandering through the woods, hanging up signs and joking around. As an antic, I stumbled around drunkenly with my Irish accent, smacking into trees and the like, until one made a hollow 'bonk'. This startled me pretty bad, knocking me onto my ass. Frightened, I looked at Dipper. "So...for confirmation, that tree just went BONK, right?"

"Sounded hollower than a bonk. Like a donk."

"So...that's a no." I muttered. I stood up and investigated the donktree. Hitting it in various places yielded different results, from a thunk to clink. At one point, a hatch just popped open and bonked my nose. "Ow."

Dipper, being the twat he was, shushed me and investigated the odd machine hidden in the tree. He looked around and pulled some levers. We both jumped when another hatch opened up behind us. Contained within this compartment was and old red book with a six fingered hand on the front. The number 3 was written on the hand. "Well, that's obviously misleading. That hand has twice as many fingers." I quipped, getting a punch for my trouble. Dipper opened the book, revealing a looking glass and a tarnished page obscuring the author's name. "Well ain't that fucking dandy," he muttered.

2

He opened the book and started reading. He stopped and ushered me close. "Listen to this. 'Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed. I'm being watched. I must hide this book before HE finds it. Remember: in Gravity Falls there is no one you can trust.'" He closed the book, puzzled. "No one you can trust..."

"BOO!"

Dipper shrieked, jumping a full foot in the air and tossing the book at my face. I whipped around, glaring at Mabel. "Jesus is displeased, Mabel Pines." I said in as stern a voice I could muster. She looked at me, exasperated.

"You are pushing that Jesus thing, huh?"

"Till the day I die, beautiful," I quipped. This appeared to fluster Mabel. Stammering, she pushed past me and helped her brother up, allowing me to hide the book in my jacket pocket.

CUT TO : at the house, 5 minutes later

"It's really amazing!" Dipper gushed, eyes shining and cheeks flushed. Seriously, did I HAVE to become friends with a pair of attractive twins? Why must God test me? "It's like Gravity Falls has this secret dark side! It's super neat!"

"Yup-erino. Super cool."

"Dude, it's kinda nerdy." I said. Dipper glared at me with death in his eyes. I simply booped his nose. Suddenly the doorbell rang. I glanced at Dipper, who motioned a yes, then asked "And who might that lovely person be?" Mabel giggled. "Welp, time to spill the beans!" she said, knocking over a can of beans. "This girl's got a date!"

"Beg your pardon?" Dipper asked, incredulous. Just as surprised, I glanced sidelong at Mabel and asked, "So, as I recall, we were gone for half an hour and you SOMEHOW got a boyfriend in that time?!"

"YUP!"

"How."

"What can I say? I'm irresistible!" she said, giggling. The doorbell rang again. She got up and walked to the door. Myself and Dipper exchanged a skeptic glance, which we quickly wiped off our faces when Mabel and her 'boyfriend' walked in. Already, something about this kid was off. His face was oddly round, and he moved as if he had no idea what legs were. Mabel cleared her throat and said, "Dipper, Jones, meet Norman!"

"Sup." he muttered. His visible eye was becoming kind of glassy. Turning to Mabel, he grabbed her hand and started to pull her out-clumsily, might I add-and she waved at us. Dipper went to the attic, to 'research' , leaving me alone. Leaning back in the recliner, I ran back what she said. ' _What can I say? I'm irresistible!'_. Sighing, I got up and followed Dipper, muttering, "You can say that again."

"Seriously, look at this!" Dipper said, pointing to a page depicting a ghoulish creature. Reading from the page, he said, "Known for their pale skin and bad attitudes these creatures are often mistaken for teenagers... Beware Gravity Falls' nefarious..."

"Gnomes," I said, whilst writing up a storm. DIpper looked at me with a confused expression. I looked up and said, "Going off the round face and lack of any kind of motor skills, I think he's a group of gnomes. In fact, I bet on it."

"Whaddya bet?"

"Five bucks."

"Sounds good, furball," he said, extending his hand. Grinning wolfishly, I shook the proffered hand.

Over the next week or so we took turns 'performing surveillance', as Dipshit called it. Meaning we stalked the two. At the end of the week, we compiled the evidence in the twins' room. Dipper showed me a video of Norman failing to catch a frisbee. I, in turn, told a story in which Norman fell into a random grave. Frowning, I said, "Well, shit. Starting to look like you were right."

"HELLS TO THE YEAH!"

"But until given solid, tangible evidence, I shall believe in le gnomes." I continued. Dipper looked me in the eyes with his patented Stare of Fury, earning a nose boop for his efforts. I grinned and turned back to my project. Then Mabel walked in with a twig in her hair, rumpled clothes, and rosy cheeks. Dipper's eyes shot open with surprise, and I nearly dropped my pen. Upon seeing our reaction, she looked down and started blushing like crazy. "No, no, no! Nothing happened! God, you two…" she said, arms crossed. "I went hiking and I tripped on the way back! Jesus!"

"Yes, darling?" I said, regaining my composure and smirking. She glared at me in exasperation. Frowning again, I began to ask about Norman but was cut off by Mabel shushing me and shoving me onto the floor. Dipper walked up and began to explain something to Mabel. Probably his zombie theory. I didn't hear, as I was listening to music. Getting hella mad, she stood up and yelled over my music, "I AM NOT HAVING _ANOTHER_ POTENTIAL BOYFRIEND BE RUINED BY YOUR CRAZY CONSPIRACIES! I AM GOING ON A DATE, AND THAT IS _FINAL!"_ Fuming, she stormed down the stairs to meet up with Norman, leaving Dipper and I flabbergasted. Dejectedly, Dipper played back some video, only to scream at a clip he found. Startled, I shouted, "WHAT IN ALL THAT IS OR IS NOT HOLY! DUDE!" He shushed me and motioned me closer. In the clip, Norman had his arm around Mabel. Exasperated, I continued watching, _only for his hand to fall off!_ I'd seen enough. Silently, I got up and walked downstairs. My face and body language were completely calm, whereas my brain was screaming various expletives in Norman's general direction. Dipper followed shortly after, pulling on his hoodie whilst jamming a beanie on his head. "Why are you wearing a beanie?" I asked.

"You know damn well why I'm wearing a beanie," he replied.

"YES, FOR WHY WOULD A ZOMBIE ATTACK A BEANIE-CLAD SKULL?!" I shouted, grabbing his arm. "Let's go." Outside, I glanced around, looking for a way to to get to the two fast enough. Dipper was continuously replaying the clips of Normabel, looking defeated. Sighing I turned around when WHAM! The Mystery cart just barely swerved and avoided me. Angered, I started to go off on the driver when Dipper cut me off. "Wendy! Thank God! We need to borrow the cart!"

"Sure. Just don't crash it, dude." She said, tossing me the keys. Grinning, I grabbed a nearby shovel and hopped into the cart. Dipper followed my lead, hurriedly buckling himself in. When he gave me the go-ahead, I turned the key, put the cart in 5th gear, and put the pedal to the medal. And DAMN, was that cart a fast motherfucker. Pushing 60 mph at the highest speed, we tore through the forest, where Mabel had mentioned going. After a point, I stopped hearing the world. I had gotten into the Zone. Nothing could stop me now. After a while, a piercing 'FUCK OFF' could be heard, which I knew belonged to our Mabs. I jerked the steering wheel clockwise and we veered to the right. Ahead of us was I could make out Mabel surrounded… gnomes? Smiling grimly, I got up and grabbed the shovel. A gnome with a brown beard turned around and said "Hey the-". He never got farther. I made sure of that. Silently, calmly, I offered my hand to a stunned Mabel. She took my hand and I pulled her up and hurried her to the cart, where Dipper had already moved to the back of the cart. She climbed into the passenger's seat, I into the driver's seat. Dipper silently tapped Mabel and made an odd gesture, which Mabel interpreted as 'put on the seatbelt'. When Mabs gave me the go-ahead, I swerved and peeled outta there. After a few uneventful seconds, I calmed down and started to laugh. "Thank God that's over," Dipper sighed. "Those guys were kind of annoying, but not really a threat."

"Pay up." I said, glancing back at the Dipshit. Grumbling, he handed me the five bucks. And then the ground shook. And shook again. Confused, I looked in the wing mirror to see...A GIANT GNOME COMPRISED ENTIRELY OF REGULAR GNOMES. Calmly, with every ounce of seriousness, I said, "I do believe we are about to die by gnome. SHIIIIIIIIT-"

CUT TO : the first scene.

Screaming, I swerved and dodged the thrown tree! Only to tip the cart over onto its side. After this, I blacked out. I woke up a few minutes later bloody and in pain. "Owww…" I moaned, sitting up. Squinting through bloodied eyelashes, I saw the twins confronting the gnome creature. The brown-beard(or Jeff, evidently)was negotiating a truce. I looked around and grabbed the nearest weapon, a leaf blower, and painfully got up. Dipper glanced at the movement and nodded slightly. Nodding back, I slowly approached Jeff from his blind side. "Well, don't mind if I-" Jeff stopped mid-sentence and started to turn around. He never did. Before he could, I had already sucked him into the leaf blower. Looking at Mabs, I asked, "Care to do the honors?"

"Oh hell yes. Yes please."

"On 3. 1, 2…" Before I could finish counting, Mabel had already flicked the switch to enter blow mode, launching Jeff into his odd gnome monstrosity. They exploded into separate gnomes and sat there, confused. Dipper methodically scooped them up and tossed them into the woods until the yard was clear. I limped over to the nearby porch an winced as I sat down. Mabel hurried over and inspected the gash on my forehead. Worried, she said, "You need medical attention. This is a really bad wound." Dipper pulled out his phone, calling the ER. "On the bright side," she continues, smiling weakly, "You're gonna have a sick scar."

"Oh boy…" I said, slipping in and out of consciousness. "Sounds cool." I returned the weak smile before slumping onto Mabel, losing energy. The last thing I heard was Dipper shouting to get an ambulance here immediately.


	2. Chap 2: The Gobblewanker

WENNY HERE. So. That last chapter was a baby step, I will admit. I was testing the waters, and now I've got the hang of it. I'll be doing longer, more detailed chaps from here on out, so hang in there, friends. It'll get better, I promise. Also, a friend brought up an important point. This fic is set in a Teen!Pines AU, where the twins are 15. Jones is 16. They and their friends are the only ones affected. Thought that was worth a mention! \ ^_^ /. Now. Won't hold you here longer than necessary. Let's get into the action. Wenny out. :3

PS: was co-written with my bud Tri. Say hello~!

Hi. I'm this. :D

PPS: Yes, UNDERTALE is referenced frequently. Shut up, it's good.

Chapter 2: The Gobblewanker

I woke up in a strange bed covered in bandages. My right arm was wrapped up in Ace wrap and, reaching up to my forehead, I had a really epic scar across my forehead. A case of Murphy's Law, something that had affected my family and a few others since the conception of the name Murphy. Basically, as I understood it, anything bad that could happen would happen. Wincing, I looked around this room. It was small and cluttered. Not in a bad way, by any means. More like the Burrow than a shantyhouse, en la Fallout. The window had an odd design. It looked like a line within a circle, which was in turn within a triangle. The image was familiar. Where had I seen this before? That's right! The symbol of the Illuminati! Why was this here? Curious, I tried to stand up, only for my legs to scream out in pain. Startled, I yelped and fell back onto the bed, the sensation making me nauseous.

Nervous, I started to call out. "Hey! Anyone, um...anyone here?" Almost immediately, the Illuminati window opened, a redheaded girl peering in from the outside.

Smiling, she spoke. "Excellent, you're awake! I'll get the twins." And like a ninja she swooped in, did a backwards somersault, and rushed out the door., and down some stairs. Soothed to some degree, I leaned against the wall and took a closer look at the room. It appeared to be an attic of some kind (Jesus, Wendy!) with a sloped ceiling and a bench by the Illuminati window. The clutter was mainly souvenirs and books from around the world. This confused me, since ol' Stan Pines didn't seem like he'd ever left Gravity Falls. I reached up and behind me and grabbed a book. 'The Many Names to Call a Goat Thief', by Samid Terar. I gingerly replaced the book back on its shelf and took to twiddling my thumbs.

Suddenly, Mabel bursted through the door with Determination in her eyes. "Oh good! You're still awake!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, your body is pretty weak right now. Your legs were broken and your body was covered with puncture wounds." she replied. Still with a seriously frightening look in her eyes, she began to inspect me up and down. Seemingly satisfied by my condition, she crouched down and fished under the bed for something, producing a pair of old crutches. I took the crutches and carefully lifted my sorry ass off the bed. It was then that a sleepy Dipper shuffled through the door, pulling on a beanie to cover the atrocious bedhead.

Blinking, he yawned and said, "Want some breakfast? We have Stancakes." My eyes shot open and I snapped to attention. Chuckling, he said, "Guess that's a yes...Come on downstairs. And carefully, alright?" Nodding, I began my slow trek downstairs, stopping on almost every step, even with assistance from Dipshit. As I entered the kitchen, Stan glared at my many injuries and then left me be.

"I'm not paying you workers' comp, so get to work."

"I am literally incapable of walking without severe pain."

"Work the register, then." he replied. Grumbling, I made my way to the shop and batted at Wendy. She looked up, grimaced, and moved to a chair by the entrance. Only for Stan to walk out and flip the 'open' sign to 'closed'. I just kinda looked at him like 'dude wtf'.

"Going fishing with the twins. Wanna come?"

"Knowing your driving, I'd rather not get crippled again." Thing was, I did want to go. I just wanted to be able to WALK.

"Suit yourself." He said. The twins followed closely after, wearing a pair of tacky hats, most likely hand knitted by Stan. I glanced at Dipshit, struggling to contain my laughter.

He glared at me, saying, "Laugh it up, Furball~."

"Sure thing, Dipshit." This response elicited a completely shocked expression from Dipper and laughter from the other three present. I grinned, leaning back on the counter. Suddenly, like a saving grace, Soos appeared. "Hey, dudes. Anyone want a ride to the lake? I got my own boat." he coaxed.

"I'll bite. Let's go!" I said.

One painful trip to Soos' truck later, we were well on our way to Lake Gravity Falls. Yes, they actually called it "Lake Gravity Falls". This town was filled with narcissistic idiots. And that's only a slight exaggeration. Anyway, you would expect spending 20 to 40 minutes in a truck with a Mexican-American 20-something you barely know would be incredibly awkward, right? Considering the little I'd heard about him involved odd dares and an unhealthy obsession with anime, it's what I expected from the drive. What I got instead was a like-minded individual who understood the pains of growing up mixed(I'm Spanish-American, for reference. Born in Spain to an Iberian father and Cherokee mother, raised in MURICA)so I understood being mistaken for a certain ethnicity. Happens more often than you'd think.

At one point, one his tires kind of exploded out of nowhere. Literally. Soos went back and checked the road, checked the tires, checked pretty much everywhere. No spikes, no sharp rocks, no anything, really. Not even a bullet. I, being well-versed in the art of random bad occurrences, considered a few possibilities. Dissolving bullets? Yeah, no. Gravity Falls was weird, but not THAT weird. Some drill bit that was flung away from the road? Maybe. A magical occurrence? Judging from Journal_3, more than possible. Anyway, the long and short of it was: we were stranded till a friend of Soos got here with a spare tire. While we waited, I started to nod off.

 _It_ _ **looked**_ _like Gravity Falls. But something was...off. Nobody was on the street, in the diner. Not even Robby was out and about, spraying them mushrooms. It was a ghost town. I wandered, not really feeling anything but fear. But not quite feeling it. It was more like I was empowered. The fear made me strong. Powerful. In a way, the fear made me_ _ **fearless.**_ _Like nothing could stop me. Nothing could even touch me. Except him. In this mind, I called him Tophat. But somewhere, in the back of this mind, I knew his real name was something else.. But all I could consciously remember were his initials. B.C. I pondered the memory as I walked the abandoned streets. Until I came upon a scarring scene. The twins, mangled, beaten, and shredded, in front of the All-Seeing Eye. HIM._

Suddenly, I was awoken by a honk. A loud, unpleasant honk. Startled, I screeched in an unholy manner. Looking around, suddenly alert, I heard annoying laughter. I turned my head to the right, and for a brief second, Dipper looked...wrong. A suit, yellow with black loafers and trousers. An eyepatch. Shining yellow hair. A tall black hat. A cane. And... _ **the Eye**_. I blinked, confused and dazed, and he was back to normal again. He was dying, with short bursts of laughter followed by long fits of wheezing. I smacked him, then moved to get out of the car. Dipshit reached to hand me the crutches, but was too slow. Because I was already standing. And with only a mild throbbing in my lower legs. I was speechless. Dipper was also speechless. Mabel was baffled. Soos was unfazed, bustling around with his usual busybody way of doing things. In only 20 minutes, my legs had healed. Was it the dream? That weird empowering fear, perhaps? Maybe the dream had an air of reality, a kernel of truth in the haze of imagination. I shook my head. Maybe the wounds weren't as severe as Mabs thought. Confident in the condition of my legs, I grabbed my jacket and started to follow Soos, tying the thing around my waist as I went.

We were on the water and sailing about within minutes, joking around, spouting references, drinking Pitt-cola, and lamenting about being mixed. It was good for a bit. Then, as a joke, I took up a spyglass, planted my foot on the bow of the SS Cool Dude, and started pirating. Then I saw the 'boat' the twins would be trapped on. Less a boat and more a death trap.. I said, "Yar, by the hair on me chin, those two be in imminent danger of bein' stuck in a tiny rowboat with an old coot. We must rescue 'em!"

We sped for the shore, filled with Determination. Soos was stone-faced, I was scowling in a pirate-like manner. We pulled up to the dock and I immediately said, "Yar, mateys! Do ye be in need of an alternate ship?" The twins looked at each other and grinned maliciously.

Yet again, minutes later Soos and I sped across the lake with the new crew, drinking until we ran out of cola and retelling old jokes and stories from our youths. Suddenly, Dipper sprung up, creating a WHOOSH in the air. "Allow me to inform you of our intentions on this lake. Myself, Mabel, and possibly you two, are going in search of a beast called the Gobblewonker." At this, I misheard what Dipper had said and burst out laughing. He looked at me, annoyed. I looked up and waved my hand, crying with laughter. "N-no...I just misheard you."

"What did you hear?"

"Gobblewanker. That's what I heard." At that, Mabel's eyes widened and she started dying of laughter. For any uneducated HEATHEN, 'wanker' means someone who masturbates often, I believe. So...a Gobblewanker would indeed be a formidable beast, if not for the same reasons as a Gobblewonker. Dipper was agitated, to say the least. I was pleased with my work. Clearing his throat, he continued. "ANYWAY, in order to capture evidence of this beast's existence, I have procured around 30 disposable cameras." Saying this, he began to hand out said cameras. One for each of the three of us, and then he began strapping random cameras to his body. While he was crouched down to strap one to his ankle, I swiped a camera off the pile and stuck it in my jacket, which I had put on at some point. When he stood up, I assumed an innocent smile and sat cross legged, my hands in my lap. Smiling confidently, he approached Soos' captain's cabin. Leaving myself and Mabel. Completely alone. And let me tell you, controlling the attraction-fueled urges was difficult to say the least. NO conversation was made. Mabel looked just as nervous as I felt. She kept fidgeting with a star earring on her visible ear, a slight blush high on her cheeks. I'm sure I looked similar. In that moment, _we just barely didn't grab her and kiss her right on the mouth_. I blinked, blushed, and fervently shook my head, shushing the voice. And good thing, too. Just as I shut the voice-which was unfamiliar, yet I recognized it-up for good, Dipper walked out, saying, "Alright! We are on our way to Scuttlebutt Island. Back at the dock, Old Man McGucket said that the GobbleWONKER scurried off to this island after screwing over his boat."

"Two questions. 1-why we are going off the word of a man called Old Man McGucket? 2-Scuttlebutt Island? Are you kidding?"

"Yes. You got a problem?"

"Nooo, not at all. But who names an island SCUTTLEBUTT ISLAND?"

Only one question was answered, but we did touch down on Scuttlebutt Island a few minutes later. There was a very small dock and a sign saying Scuttlebutt Island, but that was about it. Scanning the beach, I noticed a dirt path leading into the forest(there was a forest). Just as I opened my mouth to notify the others when a sudden noise boomed from the depths of the forest. An odd, almost mechanical roar. By 'mechanical', I mean it sounded like an old speaker from before speakers were good. It was almost unnoticeable due to the volume of the sound, but it was there. I was unfazed, as enough crazy shit had happened today that this was nothing. Turning, it appeared Mabel and Soos had immediately clung to each other for moral support, triggering a pang of jealousy in the back of my mind. Dipper, while frightened, appeared to be Determined like there was no tomorrow. Eyes aflame with excitement, he turned to Mabel and grabbed her collar, dragging her out of Soos' arms. Mabel, surprisingly, did not kick or scream or fight in any way. She just looked at Soos and I, shrugged, and allowed Dipshit to drag her off.

So there we were...wandering an old dirt road in the middle of the woods on an abandoned island, searching for a monster. Scooby Doo? What's that? Never heard of it. Anyway, back on topic. As we wandered down the woods in search of the Gobblewonker, Mabel started 'rapping'. By which I mean, 'rhyming words over a beat'. In an effort to show her TRUE rapping skillz, I pulled up a random beat on my phone and started rapping fo realz. And lemme tell ya, the reactions were priceless. Mabel stopped dead, staring at me in awe. Soos was completely awestruck as well, looking as if he might bow down any second. Dipper, being the lil' shit that he is, asked, "How fast CAN you rap, Skrub?" I then pulled up an even faster beat and proceeded to recite an EXTREMELY fast rap word-for-word, flawlessly. At this, Dipper stopped, turned, and gave me possibly the most malicious expression I have ever seen on another human being. I lost it. I was rolling on the floor with tears streaming from my eyes, I was laughing that hard. After a few minutes, during which Mabel started laughing as well, I got up and started walking again, chuckling every now and again. Mabel, by this point, had begun walking of her own accord. Every so often, she'd look in my direction, receiving a different dumb-ass face in return each time.

The roars were getting louder, almost deafening. I had a few ideas as to the source, but none made sense given the context. An old boat's defective horn? Likely, but no boats had docked here since the dawn of time. Some random speaker that had been overgrown? No...it wouldn't be producing sound, logically, right? Maybe a chainsaw! It would explain the mechanical undertones to the sound, but not the sporadic intervals it was actually occurring at. Usually, a lumberjack such as the Corduroy family wouldn't stop unless the chainsaw malfunctioned in some way. Maybe it was, uh...automated…? How would that even-

"JONES!" Startled, I looked up...and up..and up. To see the maw of the fearsome Gobblewonker leering just over my head. I opened my mouth, thought for a second, closed it, turned, and BOLTED down the path quick as a flash. The others, left in the dust, quickly followed. I didn't see who I was next to, who was behind me. All I knew was _we need to hide, bud._ I grabbed the wrist of the person next to me and darted into the bushes on the sides of the path.

It was already pretty dark on the island for...reasons...but with the tree cover, it was nearly impossible to tell which twin I had grabbed. We were both dead silent while we waited for the Wonker to pass us by, until... "Hey...Jones?" Well then.

"Yes?"

"Can you get off of me?"

"Maybe?" I slowly got up, attempting to not cut myself on the thorns within the bush. Suddenly, a bright light shone from the ground, revealing Mabel, twigs in her hair, rumpled sweater, slight blush. It was eerily similar to the Norman Incident. Except this time **I** was the cause **,** not a fumble.` That made me _proud_ and ashamed-what the hell was that stupid voice? Shaking my head, I glanced at Mabel and noticed the blush had gotten larger. No surprises there-she was in a confined space with a member of the opposite sex. It made biological sense. I opened my mouth to reassure her, but the voice that emerged wasn't my own.

" _Calm down, little bird. Ain't gonna do anything-yet_." I blinked and shouted in fear, "WHAT IN ALL THAT MAY OR MAY BE NOT HOLY?!" Mabel screamed, scooting back a few feet. Just as afraid, I gesture that I was still myself. "I don't know what happened, but I know I'm still Jones, Mabs! Calm down!" Slowly, I stood up and offered a hand to pull Mabel up. She hesitantly took it and stood up, holding her phone in one hand-that must have been the source of the light. I started down the path, Mabel following a bit behind. Let me tell you, that was the most terrifying thing I had ever experienced at the time. I was afraid to even talk after that, so I focused ahead of me and kept walking.

Eventually, we made it back to the docks. It appeared Dipper and Soos had been circling the island for the last ten minutes, trying to find us. Fishing around in my jacket's inside pockets, I retrieved the emergency flare I kept and set it off. I stood on the beach and waved back and forth for a few seconds. After Dipper and Soos had finally spotted us, I turned towards Mabel. She was staring at me, completely confused. I grinned. "Always be prepared," I said, raising 3 fingers in the Webelos Salute. The two on the boat had jumped to the ground by then. I opened my mouth to say something-what, I wasn't sure-, but I never made it that far. Because Dipper punched me in the mouth, and _hard._

I sat in the boat, rubbing my jaw and glancing warily at Dipper. I understood what he was angry about,̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶b̶e̶e̶n̶ having had a pair of twins as younger siblings for a long time. But still, dude. Unless you're a twat, you don't do that randomly! You warn them if they're your friend! I was pretty paranoid for the rest of the day. Soos had said the Wonker had disappeared at some point after leaving the island, but they didn't know where it went. Which annoyed the heck outta Dipper, for the reason of ?, but put my mind at ease. Never been a big fan of sea monsters...or, I supposed, lake monsters. I had an irrational fear of the ocean, or deep, murky water in general. Which DOES NOT explain why I decided to look over the edge. I calmly turned to Soos and said, "Soos?"

"Yeah, dude?"

"Drive as fast as this boat can drive. We got a Gobblewonker under us." After I said this, the boat went into supersonic mode. Okay, not quite supersonic, but it went DAMN fast. Still, not quite fast enough to outrun the Wonker. The boat got pretty beat up, getting tossed this way and that...at one point we did a barrel roll! That was interesting. And possibly physically impossible. I dunno. I was holding the railing of the boat, trying not to fall out while Soos fought for control. At one point, Dipper pulled out the old journal and flipped through it. "Well. It's better than nothing," he said, making his way to Soos. "Behind that waterfall is a cave, we can hide in there!"

"Good idea, dude!" Soos turned the boat and aimed for the waterfall. This whole time I was fighting for control of my body. The damned voice had popped in, saying things like _grab Mabel, hold on, lemme in, I can help._ I looked up in time for the waterfall to hit me dead in the face. I blacked out moments after.

I came to in underneath the boat. In the darkness, I scrambled around for a second before I realized the window of the cabin was cracked. I swam towards the cabin and started kicking the window, hoping it would break. I was starting to run out of breath just when it went CRACK and I was rushed out at high velocity. I swirled around in a current for a moment, surrounded by the pitch black of deep water, before getting pushed onto a 'beach'. Really, it was just a slanted rock shelf. I lay there, staring into the darkness and wheezing, thinking. Where were the others? Had they gotten out? Were they still down there? Nervous, I started to get up, but I was startled into falling back by a bright light. It was round, and kept moving, twitching and flickering. In the moments where it was dimmer, I could distinguish cracks in the lens. I slowly scooched back, and good thing too. The light flickered off completely and I heard a loud crash.

I scrambled back, searching around through my various pockets. One of my few regrets about owning a jacket like mine was it had around 20 pockets, and I was looking for a very specific thing: my phone. Now, this thing was gorgeous; completely waterproof, crack-resistant, professional-quality camera. The works. I searched and searched, finally finding it. I hurriedly opened the flashlight and flicked it on, just as the Wonker started opening from the head. And old, bearded hillbilly crawled out. I was very confused, to say the absolute LEAST. I slowly approached him, attempting to keep my movements as silent as possible. Suddenly, he stopped inspecting the animatronic and whipped his head around, whereupon he screeched inhumanly and scuttled away. Curious, I followed. Of course, being the idiot I was, I tripped over a spare rock and lost my grip on my phone. I heard a loud sploosh and hit my head, conking out.

 _We came to back in Gravity Falls, but this time it seemed even more off. Small pebbles were floating off the ground, and a few small papers kept swirling around and around our shared body. Slowly, we forced ourself to get up. We shivered; it appeared to be fall, and the wind was picking up. We took several halting steps before being blinded by an incredible golden light, emanating from what we had previously thought to be the moon. Slowly, I resisted my companion's hopes and lifted our head to meet the light. Within the center of the light was a single black slit. We heard an annoying cackle and winced; looking down, we had become peppered with large puncture wounds. Looking back up, we were greeted with the All-Seeing eye._

I awoke from the nightmare with a start. Looking around, I was immediately blasted with an intense white light. I covered my eyes and blinked between my fingers, grimacing. Suddenly, a voice appeared out of the light.

"Oh thank god. You finally woke up." A hand reached down to me, wearing a white glove. Cautiously, I took it, getting pulled to a point where I could see the man who had saved me. I screeched and fell back. _**HIM.**_

Dipper's expression changed to one of concern. It was Dipper. Not Tophat. Dipper. I grinned sheepishly, nervously chuckling. "Sorry, the nightmare left an impression. Thought you were someone else."

"Hey, it's all good. I'm just glad you're alive. You took a pretty bad hit there."

I reached my hands up to my forehead. There would be a pretty bad bruise for a while, but nothing brain-damaging. Luckily. For once in my life, the absolute worse had not happened to me. I was silently cheering before something clicked in my brain. I quickly fumbled around my jacket, hoping beyond hope that everything was in place, but no. My beautiful phone was stuck at the bottom of the nearby lake. I scrambled to my feet, pulling off my jacket. Taking a huge breath, I dove into the small pool, Dipper shouting at me the whole way. It was dark, and I could barely see. I squinted, hoping for a glint, or a beam of light-hell, I woulda taken a goddamn underwater fire. Suddenly, I saw a flicker to my right. It had to be the animatronic! One of its eyes was flicking on and off. And directly in the beam was my beloved phone.

Elated, I swam for the phone. I silently thanked the animatronic before it suddenly twitched. Confused, I approached it. I then noticed the eye was uncracked. My eyes widened, then filled with tears. I smiled sadly, petting the poor beast's neck. It seemed to be pretty hurt. I comforted it, telling it all would be well, the pain would be over soon. . After a time, I started to swim up, then got and idea. I silently pulled out my phone and took a photograph of the dying sea monster. I then swam to the surface.

"Jesus, there you are! What took so long?" Dipper asked. I silently bent down and retrieved my jacket. Tying the thing around my waist, I turned and looked back to the dying monster. "Thanks, mi amigo." I whispered under my breath.

It appeared Stan and his tiny little Stan-o'-War had been waiting just outside the fall. Mabel had the same concerned expression Dipper had worn. It almost made this all worth it. I grinned, wiping my eyes with my arm. The boat ride to the dock was pretty quiet. As was the car ride back to the Shack. Pulling out my phone, I grimaced. "Hey, can I stay here again? It's way past curfew and I'd get killed if I got home this late."

"Sure thing. Hope you liked the attic room, because that's the only open room."

"I don't really care."

And thus, I crawled into bed in a borrowed pair of Dip's PJs. Another eventful day in Gravity Falls. Let's hope tomorrow won't be as crazy.


End file.
